Lefty Limbo

So I’ve decided to participate in a “Biggest Loser” style contest, where whoever loses the largest amount of body fat percentage in three months takes home a big pot of money. I figure it’s a good motivation to get in shape, and who knows, I just might win.

The body fat percentage is measured by this modern scale that sends an electric current through your bare feet (which you place on the scale), measuring the amount of fat in your body and calculating according to total weight, I suppose. I found it interesting to see my percentage when I stood on the scale, and imagined an electric current zig-zagging through all the bright yellow, globulous fat deposits throughout my body. I guess like Fantastic Voyage. That would be cool if I could strap a cam onto that electric current as it traveled.

Let the games begin.

So we found this kid wandering around on our front yard. He didn’t have any tags or anything, so we took him in. He’s been living with us since. He’s fun to have around, and also alerts us to any intruders on our property.

On arrival to the valley floor, I peer out the window to see a small, semi-flattened furry hump on the asphalt…a sure sign of a steel-belted demise. Getting closer I see it’s a squirrel. I mutter my condolences, and give it one last glance before passing it by.

The squirrel appears to smile at me in return.

I viewed the coffee display from top to bottom, wondering which coffee bag to buy. Should I get a light roast? Dark roast? A blend, perhaps? Whole beans or grounds? After some moments of indecision, I settled upon the Papua New Guinea Sigri Estate bag, which claims to be “rich & smooth.” The “roast meter” at the bottom of the colorful front sticker showed a little leaning to the light roast side. No problem. I just needed something to keep me up while working.

I handed the bag to the cashier, deciding not to have the bag ground for me. I usually do have it done, but I figured I might as well put some use to the premium grinding machine I had at home (muchas grácias a Yeni). Besides, they say the best cups of coffee are the ones made immediately after grinding. So after handing my credit card to the cashier, he remarked, “You get a free cup of coffee with your order. Would you like one?”

I perked immediately, and I felt my face flush with the thought of a fresh cup of java. Wow! The veins in my arms pulsed in anticipation of a good caffeine fix. “Yeah! Thanks!” I nodded with a smile. It sounded so good, and it was free. How exciting.

Maybe I need to get out more.

My usual trips to the post office in the evening hours are pretty uneventful. The typical mail drop would have me pulling over to park in the green zone, walking over to the mailbox, opening the noisy blue metal chute, dropping in my letters, closing it, then checking it again to ensure that my mail had indeed been dropped off.

Last night was the same deal. Except when I did that double check, my letter was in the exact same position it was when I dropped it in. This of course warranted a self-muttered wtf?, followed by a quick shut of the chute. A second glance found the letter still there, unmoved. This time I grabbed the letter and noticed that it stuck a little to the metal tray. Turned out that someone had affixed tiny pieces of scotch tape (sticky side up) at the very end of the chute, as an easy steal for letters dropped in. Oh you motherfucker, I chuckled to myself as I stripped the chute of the annoyances. Can you imagine?